On Mercury Retrograde Being a Total Asshole, And Things You Can Do Other Than Hiding Under Your Bed for the Next Few Weeks

by Samantha ~ October 30th, 2013. Filed under: miscellaneous magic.

I have a tendency to say things like “I never bought into astrology”, but that’s total bullshit. My mom was into it when I was a kid, and it’s stuck with me as an adult. My right brain is all logical about it, and points out that the constellations are in totally different places in our sky now than they were when the Zodiac originated, henceforth the “signs” that we look up in the daily horoscope are actually totally wrong, and that there’s no way that the position that a celestial body was in at the exact moment of your birth can really have anything to do, whatsoever, with your personality or fate or whether or not you’re going to have a total shit day today.


So, there’s that. Lefty strikes a massive and sweeping blow to Righty’s argument, and wins the game.


via DarkStar Astrology

via DarkStar Astrology


One of the biggies in the astrological spectrum is Mercury in Retrograde. It’s really just an optical illusion, but the planet’s orbit appears to be going backwards for a bit a few times a year. With Mercury being the ruling planet of communication and industries related to that, this “retrograde” messes all sorts of things up. Shit gets all wibbly wobbly, and a general state of confusion falls across the lands.

This time around, it began on October 21. Since that date, things have been every kind of bonky you can imagine. Every single parcel I sent out for Haute Macabre’s shop orders was marked that they were out for delivery, right back to my address New Orleans, for over 24 hours. A package I’m expecting was sent to the wrong processing facility and has since been MIA. A friend’s tracking status read “tracking currently unavailable due to train derailment”. And that’s just the mail.

I’ve flown off the handle at my husband for things as small as leaving a book out on the counter. Co-workers have unexpectedly up and quit with no notice or reason. A friend’s cat suddenly because severely ill with a previously undiagnosed ailment. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night with vicious migraines, only to fall back asleep to vividly realistic and terrifying dreams. The From the Black Lodge tour had a major mechanical breakdown and had to cancel the rest of their dates.

You get the picture.



Mercury in Retrograde is a time to remember to simply clear your head, and take a little step back. All of this hiccups and hold ups are intensely stressful and chaotic. Even if major obstacles aren’t being thrown at you, you can still feel frazzled and frustrated or just plain foggy during this time. I sure have. Simultaneously, it’s been forcing me to directly confront the things that are in my way of having just simply a clear head.


Death Tarot


Nearly every Tarot reading I’ve done for myself since this Retrograde began has been a call for great change to occur. Whether this is indicative of instigating a major, life changing upheaval (I’ve been known to drop everything and move cross country, change careers, and do drastic things to my appearance during Retrogrades), or a call to calm the fuck down internally, we’ll have to see. I don’t have any intention of moving or chopping off my hair (although I did have it freshly colored today, so, it’s slightly altered my appearance), I do have a little tug inside of me lately.

Sadly, despite all this turmoil and confusion the Universe can throw at you, I can’t call out of work and hide from the world with a Case of the Cosmos. Even getting as specific as “BUT I’M A GEMINI AND MERCURY IS MY RULING PLANET AND WE’RE IN SCORPIO NOW AND THAT’S MY RISING AND SHIT IS JUST FUCKED” wouldn’t fly, so I’ve had a few little things that I’ve been doing to keep myself from going totally bananas.


DO SOME YOGA. Seriously. It’s so ridiculously grounding and amazing. I’ve been going as often as I can, after a foolishly long break in the late summer. The early morning classes are now my favorite – I walk over to the studio while it’s still dark, and the sun rises during my practice. My body and my mind feel calmer and leaner the rest of the day. If you don’t have time to actually go to a class, there are a gazillion videos available online, and one really great app called Yoga Studio that has pre-set and customizable classes of all different times and levels.

LIGHT SOME CANDLES. The color of candles have associated symbolic meanings. Even if the act of lighting a specific hue doesn’t actually have any effect on the world, at least you have in mind your intention, and that can be a calming and powerful thing. It’s all about focus.

DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but just something to stop and enjoy. Read a book in a cafe, buy yourself a new outfit, take yourself out for a nice meal! I have wholeheartedly been blaming this Retrograde in my total inability to stop shopping.

DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. This one is a biggie. People are edgy, and so are you. I had a friend tell me a story of getting in a heated argument with a coworker earlier that day, and then follow it up with a sharp and fairly insulting remark to me about something totally unrelated. I had to take a breath and actively tell myself to not take this personally, and not to claw his eyes out. Everyone is a little stressed out right now, and getting in a fight with a friend isn’t going to help anything.

JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN. For real. Stop, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that most of the things that are driving you batty aren’t really all that important.


Agent Cooper Give Yourself a Present


Here are some other resources about Retrogrades, and other things you can do to avoid ripping your hair out during them :

Really, though, don’t worry. November 10 will be here before you know it.


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6 Responses to On Mercury Retrograde Being a Total Asshole, And Things You Can Do Other Than Hiding Under Your Bed for the Next Few Weeks

  1. Kristina

    Ha, I actually did have my hair chopped off (after spending aaaages being very determined that I was growing it as long as I could), and went for a colour change. It was an out of the blue decision too – thankfully I love it. Liking the coping with the Mercury retrograde advice, now feeling less guilty about all the recent internet shopping – Thank you!

  2. Kristina

    P.S. Forgot to say so glad that you’re posting more frequently again, I love your blog so much!

  3. Victor

    Ah the wisdom of Agent Cooper…..the days start will be so much better now

  4. Samantha

    Thank you so much, Kristina!! And I blame everything on a Retrograde, including the amount of charges I’ve wracked up on my credit cards the past few weeks!

  5. Ade

    I *am* a Gemini, and my rising *is* Scorpio. Gah, this is why everything has been so nuts lately…

    Next time the left brain tries to talk you out of astrology, remember Dion Fortune (and I’m quoting liberally here), the planets are representative of symbols, and these symbols are what we as humans use to interpret the forces of nature. Yes it’s just astrology, but astrology is a tool for connecting the known with the unknown. (Or something like that…. The real passages are in the Mystical Qabalah – in the back when she talks about the paths, which I’m sure you know.) That’s what I tell myself when the rational mind comes out…

    Great post! Thank you for writing it!!

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